A year progress..

Note **I wrote most of this last month and just now finished. Oh well..better late than never.**

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the progress I’ve made with my depression. It was a year ago this month (march) that I’d finally taken some action in getting the help that I so desperately needed. I don’t even know where things would be now if I hadn’t gotten help. The truth is, if I hadn’t…I might not be here now. Sad, but true. It’s interesting how things can change so much through the years. It took me three years to admit to myself that I was dealing with depression. Another year before I’d tell anyone and get help.

A year later, here I am and doing pretty well. I’m not as antisocial as I was, but after much thought and reflection I’ve come to realize that I’m just a home-body. I like to be home. I feel the most comfortable and content when I am home. I have been getting out and going shopping and visiting a little here and there so that is an accomplishment. The other thing is the phone…I used to love talking on the phone. I could do it for hours and enjoy it. Now, I just don’t care to do it much..ok..ok..I don’t care to do it at all, but at least when the phone rings now, I will check to see who it is and most of the time I’ll answer it. It had gotten to the point that I wouldn’t even look at the caller id because I didn’t care who was calling and wasn’t about to answer the phone. Fucked up or what? Oh well..

I hope that another year from now, I will still be doing well, better even. By then I’ll be done with college and hopefully working at a job in my career field. I worry about getting a job. I don’t feel as though I know enough and I certainly don’t have any experience outside of the classroom. I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I don’t really want to be one of those people who waste their degree, but I’m scared. Ugh…hopefully by then I’ll be past this. Anyhow..here’s to another year.

Blah..blah..blah

I don’t know what to think anymore. When I first acknowledged that I was suffering from depression it occurred to me that all my body aches could be a symptom of my depression. I still think that could be the case. It could also be that I’m overweight, but it’s not just my joints or bones that ache. Even my skin hurts. I feel like one big bruise that won’t go away. Most days I just ignore it the best I can, but sometimes it’s really tough. Lately I’ve been wondering if it’s something more like fibromyalgia. I’d like to think it’s not that. I don’t want another thing to add to the list of broken crap on me already. Depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, and just the other day my doctor called to go over my blood work that was done. My cholesterol levels are really bad and now they are putting me another medication for that. Blah.

Last week I hurt my back walking the pup. He was pulling a little bit and my back went out of whack. Feels like a pinched nerve, but it’s up in the area of my right shoulder-blade and goes up into my neck making it hard to turn my head. Needless to say, my body isn’t happy. I need to lose weight. I’d lost 25 lbs when I was on the fluoxetine because it decreased my appetite, but they took me off that and put me on something else, that is much better for me in all other areas, except it made me wanna eat. I ended up putting all 25lbs back on in a matter of 4 weeks and wow, I can really feel the difference. I didn’t feel it so much taking it off because it came of rather slowly, but putting it back on so fast has really shown me the huge difference it made. I felt so much better.

 

Who Am I?

Over the past six months or so I’ve been looking at myself, my personality and the things that lie within. I compare what or who I am now with who I used to be twenty years ago. I feel like a lot of me is a different person. I know that my depression has influenced change in my personality as well. Twenty years ago I was what some would consider a bubbly girl. I enjoyed laughing and making others laugh. I was shy and still am for the most part. I always cared about other people’s feelings and didn’t judge people for their differences. I was willing to be friends with anyone who showed interest. I think, for the most part, that I was well liked and I’ve always been an emotional girl, but I’m a cancer and we are emotional beings.

Now, I’m not all that bubbly, but I think that is due to my depression. I still enjoy laughing and making others laugh. I’m still shy, but more to the point of being antisocial. I don’t like to leave the house or spend much time with others. I have found that I don’t always care for other people’s feelings anymore and in fact I can sometimes be down right cold or callous. I’m not sure why I’ve become that way. I don’t make friends easily anymore and in fact, many of my relationships, both family and friends, are in turmoil or have slipped away. I often feel invisible, like I cannot be seen nor heard. This feeling is a very lonely one. I also feel constant disappointment which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me because I’m the kind of person that is easy to please. I’ve always thought that I don’t expect much, but…apparently that isn’t exactly the case.

I’ve been wondering if I might have some tendencies of a sociopath. It would actually make sense of many things.

In the past year I kept thinking that people I know just don’t know me and how I really do want them to know me. However, I’ve come to realize that I’m not even sure I know myself anymore so how can I really expect others to know me? I can’t.

Lately I’ve spent a lot of time thinking back to certain times in my life. I can see now that a lot of my behavior while growing up, especially into my early twenties and even now have a lot to do with my self image or self worth. I’ve learned through therapy that as a child I learned or rather felt that I was never good enough. Not good enough to do good in school. Not good enough to have good friends. Not good enough to be loved by others. I suppose my subconscious knew this all along, but I’ve just never seen it so fully for what it is. Not only what it is, but how it has had a profound effect on my behavior and choices or mistakes that I’ve made in the past.

I’m not entirely sure how to change this feeling of not being good enough, but I’m hoping that through therapy I will learn how. I can’t change the past, but I can move forward and hopefully travel down a path that is better balanced for me. I know there is no perfect, right path to choose. Only the right one for me that will provide better balance between good and bad.

Mental progress

Today I had another therapy appointment. This makes 4 weeks since I’ve started therapy and 2 weeks since being on the new medications. The meds are working really well. I have been feeling better in the past 2 weeks than I have in the last 4 years. No crying spells and no stomach aches (anxiety).

My therapist asked me if I feel that the therapy is working. I said yes, and I’m sure that it is, but honestly now that I think about it, it’s really too early to tell. We’ve only had a hand full of therapy sessions and most of it has been just getting started and her getting to know me and what is going on in my life. Even so, just being able to have someone that I can talk to that I know won’t judge me and will never tell another soul what I have to say to her is a nice feeling. I sometimes wonder how our sessions might go if I wasn’t medicated. I think she would see a very different side of me. What I call my “ugly me”. I call it that because I don’t find that part attractive in any way, shape, or form.

I was asked, what does depression mean for me. My answer:

Feeling sad all the time, severely withdrawn from others, negative thoughts and views on life, the feeling of suffocation. A compared feeling to being in quick sand, the more I try to get out, the deeper I slide further in. A feeling of being smothered and worthless.

To others out there that suffer from depression or another disorder, what does it mean for you? I’m curious how it affects others.

Therapy

For those that don’t know me, I’ve been struggling with depression for approximately 4 years now. In the past 2 years it got really bad, so bad that I finally gave up trying to hide it from my family and sought to get professional help. This was absolutely necessary because the illness was hurting my life in many different ways. My grades dropped in school, I found it hard to focus on my studies, and it damaged or hindered many of my relationships.

My first step was seeing my doctor and getting on some medication to help me manage my stress a little better. The way I understand it as of thus far, is that my life is filled with too much stress that over a long period has essentially made me run out of gas.

The second step was that I needed therapy. Medication helps a lot, but I know that the depression is still there and that the meds simply mask the problem. I want to, if possible, get rid of the depression so I can function without the use of meds and if that for some reason cannot happen then I need to find a way to be okay with that.

I started therapy only 3 weeks ago. I applied for help at my local county mental health service center and they’ve set me up with an intern counselor. It doesn’t bother me that she’s an intern. I understand that she is in training and that she simply needs experience under her belt. I do not doubt her abilities in helping me through my journey.

Since I’ve started therapy, they’ve put me on different medication than my doctor had me on because I wasn’t able to sleep on those meds. Now I’m taking an antidepressant and something for anxiety. I’ve been feeling much better now that I can sleep again without taking a sleeping aid. My stomach aches have gone away too, that’s a plus.

Anyhow, I’m thinking I will try to keep a sort of journal here about my progress with therapy. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but perhaps others can relate to things I’m going through or will be going through and it’s support that I’m looking for.

Take care!