Not trying, just doing

I woke up last Sunday, April 28th. I weighed myself and found that I’d gained 7 more lbs since the last time I had weighed myself (not sure how long it had been, maybe a few weeks). I sat on the toilet (with the seat down) and thought about this situation. I decided things had gotten too far out of control. Something has to change, I told myself. I can’t live like this anymore. I feel like shit. I look like shit (in my opinion). I have to do something! I’m not one for a “diet”. I don’t like the word, it’s an ugly word. To me diet means depriving myself of all the foods I love and most likely will end in failure. No, I’m not doing a “diet”. Instead I thought about what kind of changes in my normal eating habits that I’d be willing to make.

I decided I could do without pop (soda). I drank maybe one can of pop a day. I don’t drink much water (aside from vitamin water, which I love) so instead of pop, I will drink more water. I have to have something with flavor so the vitamin water will provide that need. I usually have a large glass of chocolate milk in the morning when I take my medications. Chocolate milk is my coffee. I’m not willing to go without it, but I did compromise and drink half the glass.

As for food, I am eating most of the food I would normally eat, but taking smaller portions and not going back for seconds. I felt this would be a difficult task mostly because out of habit I would normally just eat more without thinking about it. So to tackle that obstacle, once I’m done eating I sit back and make myself aware that I’m done. I also think to myself, ‘Am I full?’ and ‘Do I really need more?’ The answer is always no and this helps me. I’m also trying to eat slower so I feel the fullness when I’m done. I do not deprive myself of the foods I love, instead I have a small portion or in the case of a candy bar, milkshake, or cake..I will only allow myself to have something like that once a week. Going completely without, I can’t do, but doing it this way, it’s definitely doable.

What I find the most interesting is that in the past I’ve always felt that I was addicted to sugar, and maybe I was, but when I became determined to lose weight I noticed that I stopped craving the sugar. It’s like I flipped a switch in my brain. I guess it boils down to mind over matter.

In addition to these changes, I have dusted off my treadmill and started walking on it for 30 minutes a day. I am happy to report that when I weighed myself this morning I have lost 10 lbs which was my goal. I have A LOT of weight to lose but I’m setting myself small goals so I can feel good when I achieve them and not feel so overwhelmed by the large number.

So that’s it! Small changes in my eating habits and getting some exercise. My frame of mind is that I’m not trying, I’m DOING! My favorite quote that I refer to often is, “You can my excuses or you can make progress, but you cannot do both”. I will make no more excuses, only progress.

Inspired

Just yesterday I saw my new therapist for the second time. It always bothers me some to get a new therapist because it takes me a little while to get truly comfortable. You might wonder why I got a new one. My first therapist was an intern. My second therapist was a volunteer. This new therapist has been there for five years, so hopefully I won’t have to have another anytime soon.

On my first visit we discussed where I was at in my therapy. We discussed where I had been and where I wanted to go. At the end of the visit she suggested a book for me to read. She offered to make copies of the chapters for me if I couldn’t get the book. She copied for me the introduction and first chapter of the book and asked me to read it to see if I liked it. I love to read, and I’ve been sort-of reading a couple other self-help books that so far I’ve found somewhat boring. Informative, yes, but boring all the same.

This book is called The Joy of Imperfection by Enid Howarth & Jan Tras. The title alone sounded good to me. Needless to say, I went home and read what she’d given me and was instantly engaged and curious to learn more of what these writers had to say. I decided right then to buy the book (which is out of print). I got a used copy from Amazon for $.01 plus shipping and handling for a total of $4.24. Not too shabby!

When I saw my therapist yesterday she asked if I’d read what she gave me. I pretty much cut her off to say how much I enjoyed what she gave me. We then further discussed it. At the end of my session, she copied chapters two, three, and four (I haven’t received my book yet). Today I started reading again. I read the second chapter and the third, but it was something in the third that struck a cord with me. It said, “But when kids are continually judged and corrected, they begin to doubt themselves and see themselves as flawed”(Howarth & Tras). Hmm I wonder if I’m supposed to use in-text citations while blogging? LOL! Anyway…that sentence spoke volumes to me, because that is where it all starts isn’t it? When we are children. The time when we are the most impressionable.

I finished chapter three and at the end it has a little, well in the book it’s called Affirmations. It reads:

I fondly accept my imperfections.
I have fabulous flaws.
My flaws make me unique and therefore priceless.
Love me, love my flaws.
I am greater than any one part of me.
I’m always a partial success.
I’m totally lovable, even though he or she or they don’t love me.
I’m flawed, therefore I am.

I love this!!! I think I will make notes of this and place them around the house so whenever I feel bad about something, I can read this. I think it’ll make me feel better about me.

It has been too long…

Sometimes I just don’t know what to blog about. My life is pretty simple, boring even. Or maybe I just don’t see the potential it has to give for a decent blog. Either way, I’m back at square one…what to blog about. What does everyone else blog about? What are the deciding factors that make up a “good” blog and more importantly, who decides this? Maybe I should start writing things down when I think it might be something to blog about. I have thought of a couple of things that I will write about, but not in this post. Instead I’ll give you an update of what’s been going on in my life.

I’m still in therapy which is going great! Mentally I feel the best I have in…well maybe my whole life. I guess I just can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this good. I still have some hiccups to overcome, but I’m working on it. It will forever be a work in progress. That is not to say that I can’t overcome, but that there will always be something to improve, something to work on. That’s just life.

On another good note, I have finally finished college!! I now have a bachelor degree in Web development and an associate degree in applied science, the web design program. I’m very proud of this achievement. It was A LOT of work, but it has all paid off and will be even better when I get a job in my field. I look forward to that and at the same time I am nervous about it. The only experience I have is all classwork and my two internships, but I’ve done it all from home. I worry about retaining the information I’ve learned. However, I have been spending some time each day working on my own web site as well as keeping myself refreshed on some of the difficult languages I’ve learned such as Java.

I haven’t worked on my book since last summer. I would say I haven’t had time, but truth is I just haven’t made time. I still want to work on it and at some point I will.

Somethings fishy

As I stated in my last post, I have two glofish, not gold fish, but glofish. Glofish are basically zebra danio fish, also known as zebrafish. There are other kinds of glofish, but the zebrafish are the ones I have. I’ve done some research to find out more about them. Glofish were created by scientists with the hopes that they would be able to tell when a waterway was contaminated by becoming fluorescent. The ordinary fish were given a fluorescence gene before hatching. When glofish reproduce, the babies, or Fry, I think they call it, will be born with the fluorescent color. Pretty interesting huh?

So my husband and I go out, and I pick out a glofish tank. It has blue led lights that make everything brighter. I bought brightly colored rocks and even some glow plants. After getting everything set up, I turned on the light and I couldn’t believe how pretty and vibrant the colors are. I love it! Two days later I go and get two glow fish, which I call my test fish. I wanted to make sure they live before buying more, though, not sure why because even if they did..I’d still buy more, right? Anyhow, everyday I check them and they are still alive. I’m pretty stoked. Now let me say that when I picked out which two fish I wanted, I chose two fish that were very active in the tank at the store. They were spunky!

I noticed that for two days, my green fish, which I have now figured out is a girl fish, has been not so active and in fact has been hiding. I thought this was odd. I also noticed that the purple fish whom I believe to be a male, eats a lot more than the female. He hogs the food. Today I was watching them for awhile and I realized that he, I think, is mean to her. If she comes out, he swims right over and hits her side, which makes her go back to hiding. It happens every time she swims out. So, I have a bully fish. Go figure. I hadn’t named them until today. I decided I wanted a theme so I went with Harry Potter, mostly because it’s widely known. I named the purple fish, Draco, and the green one, Luna. I am hoping that when I get a couple more fish in there that maybe Draco won’t be such a bully and Luna will feel more comfortable to swim about.

Happy Halloween

It’s been quite some time since I’ve last posted. In June I bought a journal with some birthday money I received from my in-laws. The journal was supposed to just be for private thoughts, but it ended up that I stopped blogging entirely when I got the journal. I took the summer off, away from the computer. I had a good summer. Spent time with my kids, went to the beach, worked on plastic canvas projects, and in general, had fun. In September I started back to school. My first six weeks were very busy. I had two regular classes plus my internship and the class that goes with it. Today is the last day for the two regular classes and I’m so glad they are finally over. For the remaining six weeks, I only have the internship remaining. The class work is relatively easy, and the development of the site, isn’t hard either, so the last six weeks should be a breeze and then…I will finally be done with school. I will have my bachelor degree in Web development. I can’t believe I did it. Took me forever, but I stuck it out, even when things got bad.

I have had the itch to be writing something and found an outlet for that. I am back into the role play sites. I have created three characters that I am writing for. This eases the need for writing. How did I even get that? Of course, I’m still reading. I just finished the most recent book written by J.R. Ward from the fallen angel series. I’m about half way through the Anita Blake series, but decided to take a break from it and read the Hunger Games. I haven’t seen the movie. I like to read the books first when possible.  So far the book is really good and I already can’t wait to see the movie when I’m finished.

My husband and I will be married for 11 years on November 5th. I can’t believe it’s been that long already. He bought me a glofish tank. Super cool aquarium! I got some glow plants and brightly colored rocks. Then I got two glofish. One fluorescent green and the other purple. They are awesome!! It’s been forever since I’ve had fish so I’ve had to do some research so that I know what I’m doing.

Today is Halloween. The kids will go out trick-or-treating, but other than that nothing special for tonight. We had a small costume party this past Saturday. It was a lot of fun. We played games and listened to Halloween theme music and had some good food. It was a blast. Might have to do it again next year!

Happy Halloween everyone!

Feeling the momentum…

Where do I even start? Lately my life has been so busy! Which I find somewhat amusing because usually there isn’t much going on and life might even seem pretty dull. I don’t go out and do much. However, in the last month or so things have been hectic. Finishing up class for spring quarter, job hunting, therapy, my son’s graduation ceremony, prep for his party, the party, the dog breaking the window in the family room, my birthday and now my husband is on his vacation. Today we got our window in the family room replaced after being without it for three weeks. Then we rearranged our family room which took several hours. We simply have too much stuff. Tomorrow we’ll chill, then Thursday is therapy day, plus taking my son to get a state ID and painting one of the boys bedrooms, then Friday we might go to the beach, then Saturday we are painting another bedroom and Sunday we’ll likely paint the upstairs hallway. Just thinking about it all is making me exhausted. As it is, I’m just so tired.

I got some money from my in-laws for my birthday so I went out and bought a journal. I decided I wanted to start keeping track of my life. I look back and find that my memories have so many holes in them. I almost feel like the stuff I remember the most is a lot of bad stuff, but I suppose it’s the bad stuff that makes the most impact. The idea of keeping a journal of my memories, thoughts, feelings, and whatever else I want to put into it is very appealing. I would love to pick up the journal many years from now and see how things have changed or just how I viewed things. I look forward to that day. I’ve heard that keeping a journal can be therapeutic which I definitely need.

The momentum is flowing freely, but I’m looking forward to a shift that will hopefully slow things down and just let me breathe.

Scatterbrained

Today I realized that I’m a bit scatterbrained or something like it. In the past six months or so I’ve been trying to stay busy. I’ve been doing school work, trying to read a couple books at one time, working on plastic canvas projects, working on web sites, studying web design languages, studying Spanish, looking for an internship, looking for a job, planning graduation stuff for my son who just graduated from high school. I’m so proud of him. Anyhow, I just feel like I have so much to do, or rather, so much that I want to do. All of those things, except for maybe the school work, I want to be doing. The problem is, I feel like I’m trying to do too many things at once and therefore not really getting anything done in all that I’m trying to do. I should probably scale down a bit, but I want to keep busy and honestly I don’t know what I would choose to do at a later date. I could put off the plastic canvas even though I really enjoy it and I’m currently working on something for my niece who just turned one years old last month. I could put spanish on the back burner, but I will likely forget some of what I’ve learned already. I can’t put off studying the web site languages because I’m doing that so that I can master a few of them and hopefully that will help me get a job easier. I won’t stop with the web sites cause I enjoy it and that’s what I do. It is my career choice. I can’t stop the school work, though I’m done for the summer as of June 20th. I have to look for the internship because I need one for the fall term. I don’t want to stop looking for a job, cause I need one. The books I’m reading, I’ve actually never tried to read more than one book at a time, but one book is a vampire series that I enjoy reading at bedtime. The others are how to improve my self-esteem, anxiety and depression for dummies, and writing fiction for dummies because dammit, I still wanna write my book!! I’m just exhausted thinking about all that stuff. Oh and I forgot to mention the stupid facebook games I seem to get hooked on that take up waaaay too much time if you ask me.

Anyhow, I just feel like I need to figure out a way to manage my time better. I can’t remember ever having so much to do, but I have found that if I keep myself busy, I don’t have time to think about or dwell on things that are just a waste of time. Stuff that depresses me. Oh and while I’m thinking about it..we aren’t moving. Propane costs far too much and is just out of my budget, though, if I found a job we could still move. I was really disappointed that we couldn’t move. I wanted that house so badly. I’d gotten my hopes up. Blah, oh well. Just another disappointment to add to the long list.